Major General Mark Graham

Unthinkable Loss. Unbelievable Courage.
A Major General’s story turns tragedy towards triumph

In this life we experience personal loss. Sometimes expected, sometimes tragically unexpected, our friends, family and loved ones leave us. They leave us here seemingly all alone. At some point, we will make our way home as well. It is an absolute, known, concrete truth—it’s going to happen.

We are never prepared for the emotional toll. It takes sorrow and coping. It requires grief and anger. Personal loss winds us through an exercise with no practice; it leaves us without a roadmap for acceptance. We can only cling to what is left: faith, family, and friends. And try to make it through. Get up, remember, and move on.

Right?

But what if it happens again, just a mere few months later?

Major General Mark Graham (Delta Nu – Murray State ’73) became the Deputy Chief of Staff, US Army Forces Command, on Sept. 18, 2009. In this position he oversees the plans, operations, and training for Army forces stationed in the Continental United states and ensures conventional forces are prepared for worldwide deployment.

Graham was commissioned a second lieutenant of field artillery in December 1977 at Murray State University, in Kentucky. In a 34 year career he has served in several key command and staff positions in the United States, Germany and Korea. In addition to his Bachelor’s degree in political science, Major General Graham holds a MBA from Oklahoma City University and a Master’s in National Security and Strategic Studies from the National Defense University. He is a graduate of the US Army Command and General Staff College and National War College. In addition, he has received numerous military awards, including the Distinguished Service Medal, the Bronze Star Medal and the Humanitarian Service Medal. Mark and his wife Carol had two sons, Kevin and Jeff, along with a daughter Melanie.

The family experienced not one, but two worst nightmares of parents and siblings. On June 21, 2003, their bright, always-there-for-you son, Kevin, died by suicide in the apartment shared by the three siblings. He was a University of Kentucky Senior Army ROTC scholarship cadet.

Even after this tragedy, the Graham’s other son, Jeffrey, said he needed to be with his soldiers and the men needed him. “The only thing worse than being at war is being a Soldier and not being at war,” said 2LT Jeffrey Graham, one month before he went to Iraq. He turned down an offer from the Army to remain stateside, deploying on November, 15 2003, Kevin’s birthday.

2LT Jeffrey C. Graham, was killed by an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) on February 19, 2004, while leading a foot patrol in Khaldiyah, Iraq. Reports show he stopped his platoon short of a bridge when he noticed something out of the ordinary on guard rail. As he was warning his platoon and calling in the report, the IED was detonated remotely killing Jeff and three others.

“Our sons died fighting different battles,” says Major General Graham.

How does one family cope with such a terrible series of loss?

“Our family has been amazing and so has the Army,” said Graham. “When we lost Kevin and Jeff, KAs where there each time. At the funerals, brothers showed up I haven’t seen in years.”

Most importantly it seems, was their faith. “Our faith was shaken hard. It still is. But it is the strongest.

“I know there is a plan,” says Graham. Then admittedly, “I don’t like the plan, I would give up everything to have the boys back. But there is plan and it’s what we have.”

Graham says also, “you’re never going through the worst in your life. You have an opportunity to talk to other folks and find out they’re going through tragedy. You share and they open up and you find they are hurting just as bad, or worse.”

Graham’s military career and current commitments are enough to keep his family busy. But now, he and his wife along with their daughter are committed to educating and empowering others to deal with depression. Kevin’s and their story explains their actions.

Prior to his death, Kevin had gone through a routine screening and was prescribed anti-depressants. He had called his parents, who were stationed in South Korea at the time, and asked if they knew depression was a real illness, not just a feeling. The Grahams, like many of us, didn’t.

Suicide is the second highest cause of deaths among 18-24 year olds. It is second only to car accidents.

The danger or the warning signs weren’t noticed. Kevin had stopped taking his depression medicine in the time leading up to his death. He was studying to become an Army doctor, a step in his grandfather’s shoes. He had already completed Airborne school and had been selected to go to Germany. Kevin did not want the Army knowing he was taking anti-depressants.

Fighting depression and the stigma surrounding it, and recognizing warning signs, are the Graham’s chief messages today. “If your son or daughter came home from college and said their lungs or heart hurt, you’d get them the best care possible.” That’s exactly what you should do if they have the warning signs for depression they say.

The Grahams have or have helped set up a number of funds, programs, assistance lines, and other programs and multiple campuses, military installations and in areas where they have been stationed. Many of these are in Jeffrey and Kevin’s names.

After their first major speaking engagement with TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) at the 2007 National Military Survivor Seminar, they began to speak more openly in military and civilian circles, about suicide prevention. It is an organization Graham says is one of the best in the country.

Since then, both Grahams have spoken all over the country. Their efforts have been recognized by many and they are further involved in many official efforts and organizations designed to bring awareness to the dangers of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, traumatic brain injuries and other mental health issues.

When asked about his KA feelings and connections today, MG Graham says he cares deeply for his brothers.  KA brothers were interwoven in his life from early years on.   “Mark Lobstein (Delta Nu – Murray State ’73) and I grew up and went to college and joined Kappa Alpha together.” Today they remain very close and in contact often.

“My pledge brother Jeff Hohman (Delta Nu – Murray State ’73) introduced me to my wife while in college. He married my wife’s sister. My son, Jeffrey, was named after him.” Another is John Klemincic (Delta Nu – Murray State ’74). Together first they met in ROTC then they lived nearby again when both were stationed in Colorado Springs.

Graham ran into other KAs along the way. Jeff Scott (Beta Sigma – Southern California ’87) was an officer of his at one point. A few years later Graham was sent to command a National Guard Unit, which is not typical, and there was Jeff again his command.

“Buel Stalls (Delta Nu – Murray State ’69) will just call out of the blue to ask how we are doing and see if he can do anything.” Buel is a longtime supporter of the Order and Kappa Alpha in Murray, Kentucky.

In 2008, MG Graham was to receive the Murray State Distinguished Alumnus Award. The night before several KAs took he and Carole to dinner. “I remember them in college having fun and partying,” she says. They presented their Carol and their fellow KA Mark with a stained glass window with the quote, Life is a series of dots… we must all stay connected. “To see them now grown, emotional, and supporting us in such a way all these years later, really shows what KA means to them and us.”

When asked what he’d like for everyone to remember after this Journal article, the Major General has a few thoughts. First, comes from a banner that was flown at Jeffrey’s funeral, reading: “Land of the Free, Because of the Brave.”

Second, is that to be a hero, sometimes means speaking up when you think something might be wrong with a son or a fraternity brother, or a friend. He wants everyone to remember that you should not be afraid to address an issue like depression. “As a parent, I didn’t want my child to be depressed. I didn’t want people to say, ‘Oh man your son has depression.’ The stigma was part of me too, whether subconsciously or not.”

Let us all turn our eyes to that light. We can honor Mark’s wishes, our KA brother, the Major General. Both by remembering both sons who lost different battles, and all those still engaged in those two battles—whether we know it yet or not.

For more information on topics in this article please visit:
www.grahammemorial.com
www.taps.org
www.afsp.org

 

Warning Signs of Suicide (www.afsp.org)

Suicide can be prevented. While some suicides occur without any outward warning, most people who are suicidal do give warnings. Prevent the suicide of loved ones by learning to recognize the signs of someone at risk, taking those signs seriously and knowing how to respond to them.

Warning signs of suicide include:

Observable signs of serious depression and suicide:
Unrelenting low mood
Pessimism
Hopelessness
Desperation
Anxiety, psychic pain & inner tension
Withdrawal

Sleep problems
Increased alcohol and/or other drug use
Recent impulsiveness and taking unnecessary risks
Threatening suicide or expressing a strong wish to die
Making a plan:

Giving away prized possessions
Sudden or impulsive purchase of a firearm
Obtaining other means of killing oneself such as poisons or medications

Unexpected rage or anger
The emotional crises that usually precede suicide are often recognizable and treatable. Although most depressed people are not suicidal, most suicidal people are depressed. Serious depression can be manifested in obvious sadness, but often it is rather expressed as a loss of pleasure or withdrawal from activities that had been enjoyable. One can help prevent suicide through early recognition and treatment of depression and other psychiatric illnesses.

 

MG Graham’s Honors/Recognition:

2010 American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) Lifesaver Award for Public Service
2009 Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) Honor Guard Leadership Award
2009 SPARK (Suicide Prevention Advocacy Recognition in Kentucky) Award Recipient
2009 Shining Lights of Hope Award, presented by the Carson J. Spencer Foundation,
2009 Distinguished Alumni Award, Oklahoma City University
2009 Secretary of Defense Robert Gates nominated Major General Graham for Time magazine’s 100 most influential people
2008 Heroes of Mental Health Award presented by the Pikes Peak Behavior Health Group
2008 Distinguished Alumnus, Murray State University
2007 Wall of Fame Distinguished Alumni, Belleville Township High School East
Army ROTC Distinguished Alumni Award, Murray State University